Free to be me

For the first time in my life I have time to myself. Growing up, there were always kids around all the time. Had to take care of brothers and sisters 24/7. I felt a huge burden of responsibility growing up...never had time to just be me. I just always had to make sure that the kids were okay and safe. It is amazing that now at almost 50 I finally feel like I know who I am. I was always who my mom said I should be....acted the way she thought I should act. Once I was married, I became the wife that I was expected to be. I didn't really know who I was back then and I find that sad now. Husband would have allowed me to be me, but I never had been allowed to discover who I really was. Now that I have been been widowed for so long and I don't really have to "behave" a certain way, I have finally figured out who I am. Sometimes I get sad because I think Husband would be proud of the person I have become, but he never got to see me this way. Not that I am perfect by any means, but I am much more secure in who I am.

Who am I? I am a daughter of the King....loved beyond measure....more than I can begin to comprehend. I am a mother to my three kids, a 23 year old daughter, a 22 year old son, and a 17 year old son. I am proud of the way they are turning out. Are they perfect? No. Have we had growing pains? Yes! Will we continue to make mistakes? Yes...but most of all, there is love and acceptance and grace. I tell my son all the time "love covers a multitude of sins." With God, there is such mercy and grace. Does that give us a free "ticket" to do whatever, however, to whoever? Absolutely not....we all have to reap from the choices that we make....whether good or bad...but no matter what, we are loved beyond measure. Since becoming a Mom almost 24 years ago, I have come to understand God's love more....because I know how much I love my kids and want good for them and want them to do well. I get so sad when I see them making poor choices or doing things that I don't agree with, but I don't give up on them and I never will. How much more God loves us and cares for us.... There are many things about me that I want and need to change....I will not give up on myself, and even more than that, God doesn't. That is what I want my kids to realize too.

So...back where I started....I now have free weekends and spend them usually alone. My oldest is out on her own....my middle child is out and about pretty much all weekend long and will soon be moving to Miami. My youngest is dating now and is gone most of the weekend between doing things with his friends, girlfriend, and church. Most of the time I enjoy my time alone, but I KNOW there will be a day when I grieve over my kids being gone and all of my time alone, but right now, for the most part, it is nice. I LOVE to read, have taken up knitting and enjoy doing that and getting together with my "knitting club group." I love to watch movies and catch up on tv shows I missed during the week....and, oh yes....there is ALWAYS plenty of housework to be done....and then on Sundays there is church. Husband's mom gave him a little "stone" when he moved away from home and it always spoke to both of us...."You have to make your own sunshine." I try to remember that....especially when I get down, because believe me....I get down sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if I have ever recovered from being widowed...even though I have been widowed for almost 17 years now. Do you EVER get over losing someone you loved and had children with and built your family with? The memories of all of those hopes and dreams are still there....life just did not turn out the way we thought it would....but it still has been a good life so far. And....I look forward to what the future holds....whether single the rest of my life, or if someone new, some day, does come along. I can't make myself get out there and look....I don't like playing the dating game....didn't like it in the 80's when I was in my 20's and oh so thin....and definitely don't like it now that 50 is here and my body sure is no longer thin. Friendships are nice though and I am open to that....always. Who knows what God has in store....I know I sure don't...but I do know to trust Him.