There we were ... a sweet little family sitting out by the pool. Sister and brother are in the pool and Mom and baby are sitting closely by in a chair. But, sister (age 6) starts freaking out if her younger brother (age 5) goes deeper into the pool than she thinks he should. I keep telling her that he is okay, that I am watching him and there is a lifeguard, and he is not going too deep...but she starts crying and tries to force him to come back closer to the edge of the pool. I reassure her over and over again that he is okay. He is not going to drown. The lifeguard cannot figure out why she is getting so upset over her brother being in the pool. She is so upset that she can't even enjoy being in the pool. I tell the lifeguard that her Dad has just died 3 months earlier. He was a pilot in the Air Force and his plane crashed into the Gulf of Mexico. He left for work on the second day of spring break and we never saw him again. We didn't get to see his body because he was not found till the next day, and he was unrecognizable. My sweet little girl cannot handle the fact that her brother is in the pool...she is afraid something is going to happen to him. It doesn't matter how much I assure her over and over again that he is okay, and that we are right there watching him (and her) and nothing is going to happen to him, but she can't stop crying. She keeps trying to pull him to where she thinks he should be. We end up having to leave the pool because she is so upset. She can't tell me why she is so upset, she just is. I know why she is, but she can't tell me why she is so afraid.
That night, and many, many more nights to come, she goes to bed .... but then after about 30 minutes, she comes out ... she can't sleep ... she can't tell me why she can't sleep ... but she is very fidgety and nervous. We go through this over and over again, night after night. I try to get my sweet little girl to tell me what is wrong, why she is afraid to go to sleep...why she can't sleep. But, she can never tell me. I know what is wrong, but I can't get her to verbalize it. She knows she is afraid, but she doesn't recognize being afraid.
That was 17 years ago ... that sweet little girl is now 23. I did take her to counseling for several years. She never really has dealt with the fact that her Daddy went to work one morning and never came home. I have tried repeatedly over the years to help her to deal with the grief of losing her Dad, but she doesn't ever want to think about it. She doesn't like to think about anything that makes her feel bad. He was a wonderful Dad....a great husband and father. He loved his children very much. His passing has left a gaping scar in our lives....but we are okay...we have survived, and we have had a good life so far. I just wish it had never happened!!! We will never get "over" him, but we have learned to live with his loss. God is sovereign...we will always be okay...we are never alone.
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