Ready to try again!

I am ready to try again. Slow steps...baby steps....one thing at a time. Just moving forward will be nice. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. The main thing for me is that I just don't ever give up hope. Once I give up hope, then that is when I will feel like I have failed. As long as I have the hope of changing, still struggling, then there is hope for me.

Speaking of changes....I turn 50 in April. I can't believe I am getting that old. I don't really feel that old. However, since I am turning 50, I have realized that time is passing me by and I never really seem to get out and do fun things. I keep waiting on this or that, and I realize my life is passing me by. I am going to get out and start doing things. I am going to start taking trips with friends ... reconnecting with old friends. It is exciting. I am going to start taking my kids on little trips. I always feel like we don't have the money to do this, or to do that; but I always seem to find the money to do other things, so I realize I have got to start doing fun things...I don't want life to pass me by.

To new beginnings!

Life and people

Sometimes it is so hard to work with people. I get so aggravated with people that you cannot be real with. Why is it so hard to tell someone the truth? If someone is doing something for you, and they are trying to see "your" vision for the project, why not tell them if the way they are going is not what you envisioned? If I am spending my time working on a project for you, and I am not seeing it the way you want it...why, oh why won't you tell me so that I can get it right and not waste your time and mine? Mainly mine, because I am the one putting in all the hours of work. People say that they don't want to hurt someone's feelings by telling them whether they "like" something or not ... but isn't it more hurtful to pretend like you like it to their face and then go behind their backs complaining to everyone else that you don't like it??

Aren't we all grown ups here? As long as you aren't rude or hateful with what you say, it is okay to disagree with someone. We don't all have to like everyone or everything the same! We all need to work on speaking the truth...in love. That makes all the difference in the world.

Whoa....I think I really needed to get that off of my chest. It has just been a crummy day today.

A day at the pool ...

There we were ... a sweet little family sitting out by the pool. Sister and brother are in the pool and Mom and baby are sitting closely by in a chair. But, sister (age 6) starts freaking out if her younger brother (age 5) goes deeper into the pool than she thinks he should. I keep telling her that he is okay, that I am watching him and there is a lifeguard, and he is not going too deep...but she starts crying and tries to force him to come back closer to the edge of the pool. I reassure her over and over again that he is okay. He is not going to drown. The lifeguard cannot figure out why she is getting so upset over her brother being in the pool. She is so upset that she can't even enjoy being in the pool. I tell the lifeguard that her Dad has just died 3 months earlier. He was a pilot in the Air Force and his plane crashed into the Gulf of Mexico. He left for work on the second day of spring break and we never saw him again. We didn't get to see his body because he was not found till the next day, and he was unrecognizable. My sweet little girl cannot handle the fact that her brother is in the pool...she is afraid something is going to happen to him. It doesn't matter how much I assure her over and over again that he is okay, and that we are right there watching him (and her) and nothing is going to happen to him, but she can't stop crying. She keeps trying to pull him to where she thinks he should be. We end up having to leave the pool because she is so upset. She can't tell me why she is so upset, she just is. I know why she is, but she can't tell me why she is so afraid.

That night, and many, many more nights to come, she goes to bed .... but then after about 30 minutes, she comes out ... she can't sleep ... she can't tell me why she can't sleep ... but she is very fidgety and nervous. We go through this over and over again, night after night. I try to get my sweet little girl to tell me what is wrong, why she is afraid to go to sleep...why she can't sleep. But, she can never tell me. I know what is wrong, but I can't get her to verbalize it. She knows she is afraid, but she doesn't recognize being afraid.

That was 17 years ago ... that sweet little girl is now 23. I did take her to counseling for several years. She never really has dealt with the fact that her Daddy went to work one morning and never came home. I have tried repeatedly over the years to help her to deal with the grief of losing her Dad, but she doesn't ever want to think about it. She doesn't like to think about anything that makes her feel bad. He was a wonderful Dad....a great husband and father. He loved his children very much. His passing has left a gaping scar in our lives....but we are okay...we have survived, and we have had a good life so far. I just wish it had never happened!!! We will never get "over" him, but we have learned to live with his loss. God is sovereign...we will always be okay...we are never alone.

Why Wings like eagles?

I struggle with depression. It took my husband being killed in a plane crash and leaving me behind to raise our three young children (6 year old daughter, 5 year old son, and 8 week old newborn baby boy) to really face my depression. I felt such guilt in facing that I was depressed and had every reason in the world to be depressed. Once I started admitting my depression, I found out that I had been depressed a big part of my life. My mother suffers from depression, as did her mother. After being sexually abused as a child, and being second to the oldest of eight children and growing up with a huge burden of responsibility in taking care of my brothers and sisters, I finally faced the fact that I was depressed....besides the fact of being widowed at 32 years of age and having 3 young children. Here I am almost 17 years later ... recognizing the fact that depression will always be a struggle I have, but also knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is sovereign and in control and no matter what I go through in this world, He will be there with me. Have I always felt His presence? NO! However, whether I feel it or not, I KNOW that I am not alone, and that is my peace in this world. I have always loved the verses in Isaiah 40:28-31. Most people are familiar with Isaiah 40:31, but the verses leading up to it as well really speak to me.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

How beautiful and encouraging. No matter how beat up I feel, these promises can lift me up and keep me going. That is what I love about the Bible. It is so different from any other book. It is so inspiring ... words from God to us to help and instruct us in how to make it in this world. Sometimes I go for such a long time without picking it up, and it always astounds me as to why I don't make sure to read it all the time ... I get so caught up in this life and this world and work and kids and family and friends and everything else, and I easily forget the strength and courage that those words are. Words given to men so long ago, but inspired words of God ... given to men to translate for all of us, to read and meditate on in order to help us in this world. If I can just remember every day to get my daily lift from these words. But, I know me, I will get busy and put it off and forget and then go to bed and see that book....and then be so tired and think "Oh, I will be sure and read tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I get busy. Please, Lord, help me to remember what makes me strong....meditating on Your word and talking to You.

Free to be me

For the first time in my life I have time to myself. Growing up, there were always kids around all the time. Had to take care of brothers and sisters 24/7. I felt a huge burden of responsibility growing up...never had time to just be me. I just always had to make sure that the kids were okay and safe. It is amazing that now at almost 50 I finally feel like I know who I am. I was always who my mom said I should be....acted the way she thought I should act. Once I was married, I became the wife that I was expected to be. I didn't really know who I was back then and I find that sad now. Husband would have allowed me to be me, but I never had been allowed to discover who I really was. Now that I have been been widowed for so long and I don't really have to "behave" a certain way, I have finally figured out who I am. Sometimes I get sad because I think Husband would be proud of the person I have become, but he never got to see me this way. Not that I am perfect by any means, but I am much more secure in who I am.

Who am I? I am a daughter of the King....loved beyond measure....more than I can begin to comprehend. I am a mother to my three kids, a 23 year old daughter, a 22 year old son, and a 17 year old son. I am proud of the way they are turning out. Are they perfect? No. Have we had growing pains? Yes! Will we continue to make mistakes? Yes...but most of all, there is love and acceptance and grace. I tell my son all the time "love covers a multitude of sins." With God, there is such mercy and grace. Does that give us a free "ticket" to do whatever, however, to whoever? Absolutely not....we all have to reap from the choices that we make....whether good or bad...but no matter what, we are loved beyond measure. Since becoming a Mom almost 24 years ago, I have come to understand God's love more....because I know how much I love my kids and want good for them and want them to do well. I get so sad when I see them making poor choices or doing things that I don't agree with, but I don't give up on them and I never will. How much more God loves us and cares for us.... There are many things about me that I want and need to change....I will not give up on myself, and even more than that, God doesn't. That is what I want my kids to realize too.

So...back where I started....I now have free weekends and spend them usually alone. My oldest is out on her own....my middle child is out and about pretty much all weekend long and will soon be moving to Miami. My youngest is dating now and is gone most of the weekend between doing things with his friends, girlfriend, and church. Most of the time I enjoy my time alone, but I KNOW there will be a day when I grieve over my kids being gone and all of my time alone, but right now, for the most part, it is nice. I LOVE to read, have taken up knitting and enjoy doing that and getting together with my "knitting club group." I love to watch movies and catch up on tv shows I missed during the week....and, oh yes....there is ALWAYS plenty of housework to be done....and then on Sundays there is church. Husband's mom gave him a little "stone" when he moved away from home and it always spoke to both of us...."You have to make your own sunshine." I try to remember that....especially when I get down, because believe me....I get down sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if I have ever recovered from being widowed...even though I have been widowed for almost 17 years now. Do you EVER get over losing someone you loved and had children with and built your family with? The memories of all of those hopes and dreams are still there....life just did not turn out the way we thought it would....but it still has been a good life so far. And....I look forward to what the future holds....whether single the rest of my life, or if someone new, some day, does come along. I can't make myself get out there and look....I don't like playing the dating game....didn't like it in the 80's when I was in my 20's and oh so thin....and definitely don't like it now that 50 is here and my body sure is no longer thin. Friendships are nice though and I am open to that....always. Who knows what God has in store....I know I sure don't...but I do know to trust Him.